Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Tomorrow is the big day.......

So, I decided to start a blog because one of my best friends, Sarah, just started one. I had used Live Journal ( another blogging type website ) about 4-5 years ago but never really kept up with it because I didn't really have alot to say. I suppose I have alot to say now lol. Anyways, so lemme start off that I'm 30 years old. I work for 2 Ophthalmologists ( eye doctors ) who specialize in the retina ( the back of your eye ). I've been there for about 6 months now. Previously, I worked for another Ophthalmologist for 4 years but she dropped the bomb about 8 months ago that she would be retiring early 2009 leaving me to look for another job. I found this job rather quickly and was hired on the spot because I'm good like that lol. Anyways, I love my job and I love everyone I work with. I came in and basically we all became a big family, I felt right at home within a couple days. So, now you know about my job. How about my personal life? Well, I've never really had great luck in the love department. I've basically only had one serious relationship. I've never really been confident in myself. I am overweight, and basically always have been. I know I have no one else to blame but myself for this. I know I can do something about it but I guess I choose to be lazy and my lack of motivation gets the best of me. I know my lack of relationships has alot to do with my weight. Let's be honest, most guys don't like fat chicks. That's how society is. So back to my one serious relationship. His name was Mike. I was 19 years old, he was 24 years old I believe. He was the cousin of a guy who one of my friends ( we're not friends anymore though ) used to date. So we hit it off and hooked up. I was in heaven. Finally, a guy really liked me! It was almost too much for me to believe. I think at first I thought it was a cruel joke. That maybe he was pretending to like me or something. We ended up dating for about 10 months. We both worked together at the same store and I ended up moving in with him for a couple months too. Towards the end, things started to get shitty because he was working nights and sleeping during the day while I had the opposite schedule so when I wanted to hang out with him in the evening, he was either still sleeping or just getting up and getting ready to go to work. Nights are horrible to work when you're in a relationship. You don't get to spend any time together. We had opposite days off too. So he would get pissed at me because I would bug him in bed to get up and do things with me. He dropped the bomb one day that I was too clingy and he couldn't take it anymore and maybe we should break up. Well. I flipped basically. I couldn't accept it. How could he not want to be with me anymore? I couldn't comprehend that. So we were broken up but I still acted like we were together. I still came over, I still called. He told me that I needed to back off a little, that maybe if we took some time apart and let things cool down, that maybe we could try again. Did I back off? No. Did I give him space? No. I don't know how to do that lol. Wait, it's actually not funny I guess. So I continued to smother and cling to him as if we were still bf/gf. He kept getting madder and madder and kept screaming at me to leave him alone etc etc. We ended up getting into some major fights and I cried and whined and basically started to stalk him which I am embarrassed to admit. I couldn't let go. He was everything to me, or so I thought. How could he not love me anymore? I loved him, wasn't that enough? So the girl I had met him through had a death in the family and I was on my way to the wake with my friend Sarah. We stopped over to Mike's house before we left because I wanted to see him. I walked in the house, just like I usually did. I opened his bedroom door, thinking he was fast asleep. Yeah, he was asleep alright.... with some girl next to him! I freaked! I screamed and carried on and told him to get the fuck up and who the fuck is this etc etc. He got up and we went into the kitchen and started arguing blah blah blah. Needless to say, he is married to that girl now and they have a daughter. So my first real relationship ended in total heartbreak. I suppose I made it worse for myself but I really didn't know how to handle it. I think I am still wounded from it. Enough about that. So basically all my other "relationships" with guys have been online. Actually, before Mike there were 2 guys who I "dated" if you will, from the internet. The first was Don. So I didn't actually meet him from the computer. I met him through this phone thing called "Quest" where you call and you can talk to guys in the area blah blah blah. A friend and I were playing around one night with it talking to random guys and Don came on and I started talking to him. He was actually from Ohio but was working in New York at the time at Motel 6 where he was manager and was helping the Albany NY motel out. So we started talking and also talked on the computer for about 5 months or so before we met. He came to NY to meet me and stayed at my house, believe it or not, my mom allowed it. I don't know why really, I wouldn't have lol. I was like 17 or 18 and he was 24 or 25. So we met, things went good. I lost my virginity to him ( which I wish I hadn't because I just rushed into it to get it over with ). He went back to Ohio and we continued to "date" and talk on the phone, computer whatever and after a couple months I found in his email that he was talking to some other girl so I broke it off with him. I wasn't really that upset because honestly I don't think I was that much into him anyways. So onto the next guy. His name was James. He was also from Ohio. We met in a chatroom online. I was 18 I believe. It was a short while after Don. We talked for a couple months and he came to NY to see me. We stayed with one of my friends and her boyfriend and things went great. After that, I went to see him in Ohio over Christmas. Things were good. Then after a couple months, the whole long distance thing wasn't working and we broke up. I wasn't too upset over him either. Again, I don't think I was that into him. After James was Mike, who I already discussed. So we move on to William. Hate talking about this one too.... So, William was 42 years old, I was 22 or 23 years old. We both worked at the same place. He was married, had children and was black. I was fucking stupid. He flirted and basically ropped me in. I fell for all his sweet talk and bullshit. He basically used me the whole time. I was young and naive and didn't want to face it. I thought he truly cared about me. No, he didn't. He just wanted a young girl to fuck and to bring him around places and buy him things. I did all that, stupidly. Finally, after over 6 months, I realized how ridiculous the whole situation was and stopped talking to him. It was a good decision. So fast forward to 2005. I was 27. I discovered Myspace. I met a guy named Eric. He was 24. We hit it off but there was always something weird about things with him. I always suspected that he had a girlfriend even though he told me he didn't. He wouldn't give me his home #, he wouldn't tell me where he lived exactly etc. We weren't "dating" but we were basically fucking and seeing eachother every once in a while. I finally found out yes, he did have a girlfriend and he lived with her. Did I care? A little, but not really lol. I wanted him. I knew I would never have him though so I settled on seeing him everyone couple weeks and having sex with him and lavishing him with gifts like I do to try and "buy" his love, sadly. This went on for about 3 years and we are now just friends, he still tries to sniff around to have sex but I won't anymore. It's better that we stay friends. So in between Eric, in 2007 there was Gary. Gary I met through a website called adult friend finder. It's embarassing to admit it, but I'm trying to be totally honest here lol. It's basically an adult site to meet people and hook up. You know what I mean right? lol. So I was on the WRONG site. I was looking for a relationship. The guys on this site are looking for sex. So I started talking to Gary and then we met offline. Since meeting Gary, things have been rocky between us. I fell for him hard and he was not looking for a relationship. For the past 2 years it's been us seeing eachother, fucking, and fighting over why we can't be in a relationship. I want it, he doesn't. Over and over and over and over. So here we are now December 2008. Last month, I was playing around on Facebook with this application called "Flirtable" where you basically click "Flirt" or "Skip" on people pictures that they randomly show you. I was flipping through the pictures, clicking Skip on pretty much all of them when this picture came up of a black guy with braided hair, handsome, smiling, holding a baby. I was like 'hmmm.... he's really cute'. I clicked "Flirt". It notified him that I firted with him and he flirted back. So I was like "let's see where this goes" lol. I sent him a friends request and sent him a kiss comment and he wrote back "thanks for the kiss beautiful". What?!?! I hadn't heard a guy call me beautiful in a long time. So we started messaging eachother back and forth and started talking on the phone. Things moved fast and we became very close over the phone, as close as you can become I suppose. His name is Keron. He's Jamaican and is 22. He will be 23 next month. He is a junior on scholarship for Track at a college in Illinois called McKendree University. We are meeting tomorrow ( New Year's Eve ) for the first time. I am excited, yet nervous. He has seen me on my webcam, he knows I am a heavy girl and he is fine with it. I am still nervous about it though. What if he's dissapointed when he sees me in real life? What if I am too fat for him? I mean, the webcam is basically 2-D not 3-D. I have been praying and hoping that this will finally be something real and special for me. I have wanted a relationship for so long. I want to settle down. I want someone to be with. I want someone to talk to besides my friends. I want someone to cry and laugh with. I know this is yet another long distance relationship but we are willing to work at it. He will be finished with school in May 2010 and if we can hold out until then, then we can hopefully be together. We have already started talking about what we hope can happen after that. So this is where I'm at right now. About 20 hours from meeting what I hope will be a guy I can finally fall in love with and be with. If you're reading this, please say a prayer for me that things work out? Thank you =) Until next time...... xo

1 comment:

  1. awww!:-) Im sayin a prayer for ya. And how did you get this comment box set up? haha